Ah, forgiveness. So coveted but rarely achieved.
Why – Because it feels so good to be mad! Right?
There is a lot of energy in anger. Anger covers pain. Anger can be very motivating if channeled correctly, but can destroy with out much effort.
I know anger. I know anger very very well. I know the kind of anger that propelled me to have visions of shooting another human being. That kind of anger sucks!
What do you think could cause that kind of anger?? I bet that some of you knew the moment I started talking. You know this because you too are a victim/survivor of some sort. To you my friends I say that you are correct.
I am and was a victim of abuse. I was molested by my grandfather starting the time I was in jr high and continued sporadically till I was out of high school. I had to leave the state to start a life on my own terms.
I always thought – he is drunk – he surely doesn’t know that its me, his granddaughter – maybe it is because I am adopted that he thinks this is all right – maybe because I am adopted that is why all the adults chose to look the other way and ignore it.
The details don’t really matter. After talking and talking and talking some more about what happened to me, I decided that it was never going to change what happened – it only made it worse.
The point is that I had anger – so much anger for what had happened to me I grew up making a lot of bad decisions. You know what I am talking about. Too many boyfriends – looking for approval in all the wrong places…
The part that really got me was how much of my life was wasted being angry. I started reading books on what happens when we die. James Van Praagh’s book, Talking to Heaven changed my life – literally.
In his book he talks about what he knows to be true when we die. I don’t know what happens to us when we die. I would like to believe that what Van Praagh writes is true. I wanted to believe so much that I am willing to gamble on being wrong.
The part that was most critical to me was when he talked about our souls – that the soul when it returns to heaven is pure. It is devoid of all ego and complete with knowingness. The soul is pure of its free will that it had on earth and it also can see the error of its ways.
I thought about this for a very long time. What would happen to my grandfather if he died? For a long time I thought that he would burn in hell. That is amusing. But it really didn’t feel right to me.
Thinking that when his soul returned home to the Divine and went back to a pure state he would then know the pain he inflicted on all of us here on earth. His soul would have to sort out all of that wrong doing out with God. His soul would be in pain – more pain than I could ever inflict on him – even if I shot and killed him.
I stayed away from him for years – even when my parents would ask me to come home for the holiday – I never spent time with him – until one Thanksgiving. I very reluctantly agreed to come to dinner.
I was pissed at myself for going – pissed at all of my family for never acknowledging me and what happened – just pissed. I saw him for the first time I got just a glimpse of the old man he had become and the man that would soon die. I saw a man who could not hurt me anymore, a weak and feeble bad man who would soon meet his maker.
With the newly adopted knowledge I had, I believe I was graced by God with Forgiveness. Not the kind of forgiveness that you say you have, but deep down inside you still hate, but the kind of release that true forgiveness brings.
I released my anger that day. I released my responsibility to hate him. My grandfather’s judgment and what had happened was always in God’s hands. I was free of my anger and it felt good! Really really good!
I leaned over, took his hand, and kissed his cheek. It was real. I never waivered from that moment. I had forgiven him in his human form.
Years later he died of lung cancer – June 6th 2009. I was there when the mortuary came to collect his body. I felt his presence there later that night as we all finally fell a sleep.
I know that he is with God. I also know that the God I know is loving him in his purest of forms – not the terrible and very bad human being he was, but for the child of God he should have been here on earth.
Forgiveness freed me up to live my life free of anger.
Who do you need to forgive, an abuser, a friend, maybe it’s you? Have you ever felt forgiveness? How did you get to a place of peace?
Tell me what you know of forgiveness and how others can find it. I know that we all find it in our own uniqu way.
Much love and admiration,